A Moment to Reflect
by LadyDivine91
Summary: When Sebastian wakes up alone, he's afraid it's because Kurt had a nightmare, and that he got so frightened, he left. But he discovers that his husband hasn't gone too far. Future fic set in the 'Deliver Me' verse. Kurtbastian. Kurt H. Sebastian S.


**This is a future fic in the 'Deliver Me' universe. Therefore, if it takes me a while to finish the sequel, you guys who might be invested in this story know that they turned out relatively okay :) Written for the Kurtoberfest prompt 'nightmare', the Hummel Holidays prompt 'snow', with the addition of some of the Klaine Advent Drabble Prompts thrown in because that's how I roll xD Warning for anxiety, PTSD, mention of past abuse, and mention of Dave and Blaine.**

Sebastian didn't like waking up alone, and not because it bruised his ego. In his one-night stand days, up and gone before the dawn was his m.o., so he had no experience waking up alone in bed. But those days were long gone, as far behind for him as velour track suits were for casual fashion (at least, he hoped, since, as his husband liked to say, the return of the velour track suit was one of the signs of the apocalypse).

Nowadays, when Sebastian woke up alone, it meant that Kurt had had a nightmare.

Kurt wasn't the best sleeper to begin with. Even close to a decade after the abuse he'd suffered, and their near fatal ordeal, after years of counseling and retreats and couples therapy, Kurt had his moments when something would trigger him (the sound of a doorknob turning, the snap of a leather belt, or the sensation of static electricity in the air during a storm), and he'd wake up sweating. He'd forget where he was for a second, forget who he was with, then as memories flooded back, he'd break down in tears in Sebastian's arms.

Nine times out of ten, Sebastian would wake before Kurt did. He'd hear Kurt whimper in his sleep, and his eyes would jolt open like he'd been electrocuted.

Like he'd been Tased.

It was rare that Kurt had a nightmare and Sebastian didn't wake up, but it did happen. And it seemed like this was one of those times.

Sebastian sat up, fighting through the nausea of waking too quickly to orient himself and find his husband. He grabbed a Henley and threw it on the second the cold air seeped into his skin. Kurt had opened a window … or a door.

Sebastian rushed to get dressed, throwing on shoes (two sneakers that didn't match), a coat, and a scarf. It was three a.m. – the time Kurt used to go out for his morning jogs, but Kurt didn't go for runs alone anymore. Starting from back when they first met and Sebastian spent the weekend with him, early morning walks together became their routine.

It was the two of them together or not at all. That was their motto.

Something must have really scared the shit out of Kurt if he'd actually leave the house by himself.

But Sebastian was getting ahead of himself. Kurt wasn't a hasty man; never had been. A man who alphabetized the canned goods in the cabinets wouldn't simply run out the door because of a bad dream. First things first. Sebastian made a to-do list as he headed for the front door - check his phone for a text, look for a note on the fridge, call Kurt's phone while searching every room in the house, and then … or he could just look outside on the balcony. The second Sebastian raced out into the living room, he saw Kurt, standing outside with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, staring up at the black morning sky as snow began to fall, the sparkling white flakes dusting his shoulders and clinging to his hair.

Sebastian breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God. Thank God for Kurt not doing anything rash.

Thank God for Kurt, every day, fighting his demons, and winning, keeping himself safe.

Sebastian put his phone, mid-dial, back in his pocket, and headed for the balcony door.

"Hey, gorgeous," he said, coming up behind him as close as he could, surrounding Kurt with the security of him so Kurt would know that Sebastian always had his back. He'd always protect him, no matter what. "What are you doing out here? Did you have another nightmare?"

"No," Kurt said, leaning back against Sebastian's chest. "I was just thinking …"

"You needed to come outside at three in the morning and freeze your ass off to think?"

Kurt turned his head, looked Sebastian square in the eye, and said, "Yes. Yes, I did."

Sebastian laughed and shook his head. He opened his coat, and Kurt tossed his blanket aside, choosing to find warmth wrapped in Sebastian's arms.

"So what are you thinking about, standing out here in the cold, you snarky minx?"

"I was thinking about … us."

"What about us?" Sebastian asked, rocking Kurt side to side.

Kurt sighed. It sounded heavy, filled with hours of contemplation. "Our life together, our … _everything_ \- the things we've been through, the good times, the bad. I was thinking about all the … events … that brought us together."

Sebastian knew what Kurt meant when he said _events_. _Fuck!_ He wished he'd woken up sooner.

"God, Kurt. That's a lot of thinking."

"Yeah," Kurt said with a tired laugh. "It is."

"And?"

Sebastian felt Kurt swallow, and he knew something big was coming. Inside his coat, with Kurt's body pressed against him, sharing their body heat, Sebastian felt cold all of a sudden.

It was a gulp that seemed thick with regret.

"You know," Kurt started, "a while ago, I wondered if I would take it all back just to avoid being abused by Dave. Would I trade in my life with you for a happily ever after with Blaine if it meant that everything that happened in between, all of the pain and the fear and the abuse, would have never happened?"

"And?" Sebastian asked, but he wasn't sure that he wanted to hear the answer. If it were him asking himself this question, Sebastian knows which he'd pick. He'd pick Kurt. But that wasn't a fair comparison because he didn't actually go through it. He'd never gone through anything even _close_. Even his humiliation at the hands of his first boyfriend Christian, the boy who took his virginity as part of a high school game, didn't compare to what Dave put Kurt through. Dave's violence still plagued Kurt. It would be a part of their lives until the day they died. So Sebastian couldn't fault Kurt for not wanting to relive it, for running away screaming a second time, even if that meant that the amazing years they had spent together never existed.

It was just a thought experiment, but the outcome was still a painful one.

"No," Kurt said. "I know that might seem adolescent and ridiculous to say. Time makes you an amnesiac, but I remember being in the middle of it …" Kurt choked, and Sebastian held him tight. "With Chandler anyway. What he did, holding me hostage, made me choose – saving my own life by going with him, or possibly dying by saving you. And I chose you. What I went through with Dave brought me to this place with you. I can't picture it being better with Blaine, even to save my own life. If we had problems back then, if he could cheat on me when he swore he loved me so much, it would have happened again with someone else later on."

"You never know," Sebastian said. It was a reflex, a thoughtless knee-jerk response in an attempt to make Kurt feel better, but the second he said it, he felt like a heel. Telling the heartbroken man he loved, the man he would have died for, that things might have been just as good with the ex that betrayed him? What an ass he was!

"It's easy to say that now," Kurt said, overlooking Sebastian's faux pas, "just like it's easy to say that there could have been a future where you and I would have met and fell in love without me having to go through that, but we can't be completely sure. Even if there was a chance, even if that chance was greater than fifty percent, I don't think I'd want to take it." Kurt turned in Sebastian's arms to face his husband, his shimmering blue eyes meeting ones that shone like jewels in the dark. Like emeralds, Kurt thought. And he always would. Even the bruise on the white of the right eye, that single fork, like lightning, couldn't detract from their awesome beauty. "I would be willing to walk through hell all over again if it meant meeting you at the other side."

"Oh, my love …" Sebastian lifted Kurt's left hand to his mouth. He warmed his cold skin with his breath, then kissed the gold band on Kurt's ring finger. "I feel the same way."


End file.
